“My pregnancy he was annoying”: The unbearable life with a narcissist
"Honey, you rest, I go shopping today." A set of Sarah from your Partner has never heard of. Not before she was with their son, pregnant, not during, and certainly, as the Small one was then on the world. His world, as it is told the 39-Year-old, turns precisely on a human: himself.
A few months ago, Sarah ends the relationship. In a relationship, you said today that you would be likely to get any girlfriend much earlier: "Go! The guy destroyed you." Since the separation, Sarah is in therapy. The therapist encouraged Sarah in her guess: Five years, she has lived with a narcissists together.
A little empathy, a lot of Aggression
"Narcissists are characterized by empathy, lack of aus", Bärbel Wardetzki says. She is a psychotherapist and author of several books on the subject of narcissism. Narcissistic people rarely listen properly, to tell the loved one of himself and in conflict situations, only a very low tolerance for frustration, says the expert.
That was what Sarah first noticed. "He overreacted in the case of normal differences of opinion completely, and things said like 'if you let the now not alone, then it is a uns'. I found this very strange and inappropriate." If you have not verbalized your desires and needs extremely clearly, then, the had fallen quickly under the table. From then he has asked, says Sarah.
His self-consciousness, its own will and ability to oppose you something – that has fascinated Sarah, in the beginning, to him. He impressed her. Admiration is the lifeblood of the narcissist is. Woe to the one who failed you in admiration! "You may overly react aggressively when someone does something not to your satisfaction entspricht", Wardetzki says. Narcissists would be admired or looked intimidating. Instead of praising and appreciating you from others.
In spite of this for narcissists typical behaviors of the term is not easy to define, says Wardetzki. The Transition from positive to morbid narcissism is fluent. "People &apos say;I find myself gut' a positive self-have easy-esteem. You also know self-doubt, but are always able to regulate itself internally, and to comfort themselves and to help. You know your abilities and your limits."
Large Ego with nothing behind it
Pathological narcissism is fed from a severely impaired self-esteem, says the psychotherapist. The deep self-" need to doubt;by the construction of an oversized Self-compensated."
As is so often the crucial decisions are made in Childhood. In the case of narcissists it is "emotionally neglected Kinder", how Wardetzki says. This neglect have two faces. "Either these children are enhanced enormously and verwöhnt", the psychotherapist explains. According to Wardetzki this is a popular means of education in our time. Many a child could not draw a simple line on a sheet of paper, without that, the parents roll over in their enthusiasm.
The other side of the coin is the persistent devaluation of the offspring, she says. "These children always have the feeling of not being good enough and not really loved."
The result is the same: Who is lifted constantly on a throne, or all the time the losers will be demoted, feel not seen, and appropriately mirrored. A child who grows up in this way, develops a healthy self-esteem. No "it is good, as I bin".
Sarah says about the mother of her Ex-partner, she was "ice-cold, without Emotionen". The son was soon released, and grew up with his aunt. "His aunt was not a good Person, he grew up with many blows." His father he had never met.
A narcissist for me?
Sarah describes herself as a "Take Care-Natur", the always help and things for other rules would. The man was her project. Someone you wanted to help on the bad experiences of Childhood and show what real love is. "I imagined that if I hang in there long enough, it 'klick' power, and he realizes that I’m the only right Person for him."
The shot went thoroughly to the rear. The refusal of her Ex-partner, with Sarah’s needs to address have been exacerbated in pregnancy. "He had no understanding, if it wasn’t me well, and he has also generally shown no interest. I was under the impression that this time was for him only an annoying and burdensome."
The expectant mother asks for more understanding – but in vain. They will be loud. This is the Moment where he is but noisy. "Are you yelling at me, then you don’t have to wonder also, if I treat you well." It was his favorite reaction. "Because I have not given him the recognition due to him, in his opinion, he had also constantly Affären", Sarah told. Times flew back to his lie up, he declared, denied everything, and Sarah was crazy.
A barrel without a bottom
Dealing with narcissists is a challenge to their self-esteem, says Bärbel Wardetzki. "You create it in the shortest amount of time that it is cancelled and puny feeling, and no longer the Person you actually are." It is important to take a Position and not to be intimidated.
With the separation, Sarah has taken a Position, and the narcissistic man so that his most reliable source of admiration withdrawn. The may take this decision hardly. "He doesn’t think I’m serious meine", Sarah says. Now he hug her often and tell them that you and your little family is exactly what he needs. "I believe him, that’s what he needs. But he needs even more: He is not satisfied with what he has."
People with a narcissistic disorder are like a barrel without a bottom, says Wardetzki. "Encouragement can internally be stored, and it is more and more confirmation from the outside has to come."
More recognition, more fans, everything for the disturbed self-esteem. "He needs these women, who find it great. That doesn’t change just because he finds that he now wants to have his family. The Problem remains the same." Sarah works with her therapist to remember that it will not be in the future, your Problem.
Author: Julia Vergin
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