Childfless People's Advice on Kids Can Be Downright Hilarious

In good ways and bad, nothing compares to being a parent. That’s why no matter how much you babysit, care for your younger siblings, read up on the subject, or raise animals, you will still be a newbie when your own child comes into your life. Still, that doesn’t stop childless people from making wild assumptions about babies and kids. A very amusing Reddit thread has popped up this week, allowing parents to share the ridiculous things people (or their pre-child selves) have said about children.

Mom Dosed123 started this all with a post on the Parenting subreddit, asking for the funniest things child-free or childless people have told them about parenting.

“When I was on maternity leave, my boss at the time called to ask me if I could write an article for our website,” she wrote. “My baby was 2 months old at the time, latched to my boob permanently and crying inconsolably whenever not either breastfeeding or being rocked. When I told my boss I have to hold her all the time, the response was: ‘OK, so hold her with one hand and type with the other one.’”

She gamely gave an example of her own wrongheadedness, wondering why newborn babies didn’t just roll over, and outed some friends of hers who had recently given her 3-year-old a 1000-piece Gustav Klimt puzzle.

These examples certainly inspired others. Here are some of the funniest ones so many of us can relate to:

How pregnancy works

“While I was pregnant I was spending some time with a friend who had no children yet,” Minxmallow began. “At one point I realised my baby hadn’t moved as much as normal, and I voiced my concerns to my friend saying I might need to go and get checked over. She said, ‘Can’t you just tell the baby to move with your mind?’ Like she thought babies and mothers are somehow telepathically linked and genuinely thought that I could make that happen. I couldn’t help but burst into laughter and then my baby started kicking away again. He must have found it funny too!”

Maternity leave as vacation

“When I was pregnant, I couldn’t sleep well because every position was uncomfortable (I also have arthritis),” Poekienijn wrote. “A friend said: ‘You probably cannot wait to give birth so you can catch up on some sleep!’”

“I foolishly thought I’d have all this free time during my mat leave year with my first child, and at one point even suggested to my husband that if we were ever to get a puppy, that would be the time because I’d be home to train it!” Chapnau wrote. “(I’ve never owned a dog, so this was a double whammy of child and canine blissful ignorance.)”

“My son was due in spring a few years ago,” Celianne added. “I figured wow it’ll be awesome to have my mat leave during summer! We’ll take walks in the parks nearby while enjoying an ice cappuccino or bubble tea, we’ll have picnics and look at trees and clouds and take cute baby pictures. Well… Between all the breastfeeding, diaper changing, naps, and my own lack of sleep, furthest I went that summer was my backyard, and I stayed in ugly pyjamas/bra tops most of the time at home!”

From breastmilk to fine cuisine

“My father-in-law’s girlfriend (no bio kids) asked me when I’m going to put my son on bottle (formula) when he was around 10 months old,” lioness0129 said. “When I said I wasn’t and that I planned to continue breastfeeding until he was at least 2, she asked me if there’s anything still in there 😂”

“I also used to silently judge my sister-in-law for only ever ordering her kids chicken tenders at restaurants, and now I totally get it lmao,” Galactic_mice wrote. “Being a parent is a humbling experience to say the least.”

The speed of child development

“We went to a wedding when our baby was 2 months old and they had set a place at the table for her…. complete with a full set of metal cutlery and a high chair 😂,” whoevenc4res said.

“When I was pregnant and picking out bouncers my husband asked, ‘Is this really necessary? Why can’t we just put the baby in a chair?’” Trepidatious681 recalled.

“My (childfree) boss who didn’t want me to leave when my childcare fell through during the pandemic said I could bring my 18-month-old to work and that he could sit quietly and color and watch movies all day in an empty office while I tended to patients,” Antibodysnatcher wrote. “Like, there is no way I’m leaving my young toddler unsupervised in a medical office for eight hours, and there’s no way he will sit quietly. It was a nice offer to be able to keep my job but just wasn’t going to work out.”

Children are the same as animals, right?

“When I had my son, the first child from that generation, my cousin straight up asked, ‘Are his eyes open yet?’ Like I had a kitten instead,” wrote Recycledineffigy.

“A friend of my wife’s described us how he took care of a snail over the summer and concluded that he is now ready to become a father,” aes0th shared.

No childcare — what’s the worst that could happen?

“My favorite is when friends used to hit me up at like 7 at night asking me to come out THAT NIGHT, and would then be shocked I couldn’t just ‘get someone to watch the baby,’” kay37892 complained. “Now they just never ask lol actually, come to think of it. Now I just don’t have friends lmao.

“My mate thought it was genuinely OK to pop out for a bit whilst your baby was having a nap,” rsjf89 wrote. “I think her example was going out for a meal.”

Parenting is easy

“My sister, who has no children, visited once and scolded me for letting my children take the couch cushions off the couch and make a fort,” momhh434444 shared. “I was thinking, seriously? That is like the last thing I am worried about having 3 kids under 7.”

“My sister has no children but likes to think that she will never use a stern voice like I do,” someoneshutmeout wrote. “She will talk to them and ask them nicely. Three years later I still laugh every time I remember her sincere face as she dispensed this info to me.”

And finally, we have this admission from Scotchula: “A thing I said before I had kids: ‘I feel like parenting is easier than most people make it out to be.’ Said to my old boss with two kids. She laughed so hard, she almost peed herself and then put that quote on her bulletin board to remind me when I had kids.”

Childbirth is nothing like in the movies, as these beautiful photos show.

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