How long should grief really last? A third of Brits think six months

Grief is something every single one of us will experience in our lifetime. It’s unavoidable and sadly incredibly difficult to deal with.

But how long should the average grieving process last? Is there a time limit on ‘normal’ grief?

Well, a recent survey found that 30% of Brits believe the grieving process should last no longer than six months.

On average, Brits think that two years should be the absolute maximum time we should grieve for.

But do we ever truly get over that emotion when we’ve lost something or someone close to us?

A third of Brits aged 31-40 said it is possible to completely ‘get over’ grief, compared to just 12% of people aged 41-50.

Men were also almost three times more likely to agree with this, than women.

When questioned on the timespan of grief, 42% of men said that the period should last for no longer than six months, contrasting dramatically to 19% of women.

But the concept of ‘getting over’ grief is perhaps a bit misguided. In fact, there’s a famous analogy that grief is like a ball in a box with a pain button on one side.

Hospicecare states: ‘In the early stages, the ball is very big. You cannot move the box without it frequently hitting the pain button.

‘It rattles around on its own in there and hits the button over and over again, sometimes so much that it feels like you can’t stop it – you can’t control it – it just keeps hurting.

‘But as time goes on, the ball gets smaller. It doesn’t disappear completely and when it hits the pain button, it’s just as intense, but generally, it is easier to get through each day.’

Claire Williams, founder of client-to-therapist matching website, TherapyFinders, and specialist grief counsellor, agreed with this.

She said: ‘I don’t believe there is a time frame for processing grief – it’s an individual experience impacted by so many aspects of our life, that there is no one-size-fits-all.

‘This idea that grief should last a certain amount of time can often be destructive within family and friendships groups; people stop feeling empathy and start to think “they should be over this by now,” often resulting in the grieving person feeling even more isolated and with no-one to talk to. 

‘Every single person in the world will experience grief in some form during their lifetime and it is one of the most personal events that we go through.

‘It is also a moment in life that can feel confusing and for some, the emotion we expect to have is not the one we feel, and that’s ok.

‘Grief can be a powerful and sometimes overwhelming emotion that when internalised can lead to other conditions such as depression.’

For almost half of us, the research showed that people mainly suffered from feeling lost (43%) during grief, as well as depressed (38%) and lonely (38%).

Despite these stats only 17% of Brits have spoken to a professional about their grief and over a third of adults won’t even consider speaking to a professional.

This refusal to seek help becomes far more common in the older generations, with 55% of 61-year-olds saying they will never speak to a councillor or therapist about grief.

The online survey was conducted by Atomik Research among 2,004 respondents from the UK, and found that 62% of us have experienced the death of a loved one already in our lives.

So how can we help ourselves to process grief? Claire shared her top tips.

Talk

‘If you can, talk to someone about how you are feeling. Try a close and trusted friend or family member or reach out to a professional talking therapist, who will offer you a safe space to process whatever it is you are experiencing,’ says Claire.

Journal

Journaling can be a helpful way of understanding what you are feeling if you don’t what to write start by just writing down whatever is in your head,’ Claire says.

‘It doesn’t have to make any sense, but this can be revealing and can also help you to see where you are in your grief journey.

‘If you have experienced a loss and have been unable to say everything you wanted to to someone, it may help to write it down.

‘You can even imagine that person is in front of you and say the words out loud as if speaking to them. This can offer people the closure they need to begin the grieving process.

‘This can be a very effective technique for processing things that have been left unsaid or emotions that were kept hidden.

‘If you want to try this, I recommend doing it with a trained therapist as they will be able to support you and guide properly through what is called “Two Chair Work” or “Empty Chair Technique”.’

Remember

Claire also says that it may help to recall happy memories.

‘There is no shame in remembering someone with happiness and even laughter,’ says Claire.

Reflect

‘If you are experiencing grief through the loss of a job or your identity, try reflecting on all of your positive attributes and the things that you do well,’ says Claire.

‘When we lose a job that we loved or feel unseen as the person we used to be, it can sometimes lead to feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough.

‘Positive affirmations can help boost your confidence and help you to make decisions or necessary changes in order to work through your grief.’

Release

Claire says that we shouldn’t be afraid to cry – or scream if we want to.

‘Acknowledge that you are grieving, allow yourself time and space to grieve,’ she says.

‘Crying and/or screaming releases the emotion and gets it out of your body.  It also reminds you that you are a human being with a range of emotions and that is OK.

‘I personally found screaming at the sea very cathartic and felt instantly lighter. If you don’t live near the sea, try screaming into a pillow or let your tears wash over you like a comfort blanket. The release is powerful.’

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